My Favourite Jokes - M15+

Three engineers were sitting around discussing what kind of an engineer God was.

The first engineer says, "He was obviously an electrical engineer. Just look at the complexity of the human brain. Even today our best computers can't come close."

The second engineer says, "No, he was a mechanical engineer (flexing his hand). Just look at the intricacy of the human hand."

The third says, "Your both wrong, he was a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste plant through a recreation facility?"

My wife asked me for a new watch for Christmas. I replied, "What's wrong with the one on the stove?"

There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting. The topic of birth control came up and they started comparing methods.

The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It had been effective for them since they had started using it after their 4th child was born.

The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated having to watch the calendar.

The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her husband would remember to buy them himself.

The fourth woman said that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method. They used the "saucer and pail" method. All ears were opened at that comment.

She went on to explain.... Her husband is shorter than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath him.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous 'one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind' statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky.'

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. 'Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"

Larry Miller

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her rear and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man hold his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother."

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the Jackpot in the state lottery!'

Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'

The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Q. When will women go to the moon?

A. When it needs to be cleaned up.

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.

'Hi is Tony home?'

'No he went to the store.'

'Well, you mind if I wait?'

'No come in.'

They sit down and the friend says 'You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.'

Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks.

She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says 'They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together.'

Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says 'You know your weird friend Chris came over.'

Tony thinks about this for a second and says 'Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?'

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. When called upon the first student says " The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said " Well that isn't entirely correct because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another student says" Grass is definitely green". Teacher again replies " If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct". Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?". The teacher replied, "No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion". The student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants".

Q. What do you call a closet full of lesbians?

A. A liquor cabinet.

Two lawyers went out for a daysail. The boat was holed and they ended up in the liferaft. After many days of drifting about a group of barren islands they drifted past an island with a sandy beach and a beautiful naked woman sunning herself.

One attorney said 'Lets paddle over to that island and screw her.'

The other replied 'outta what?'